An Artistic Recovery

Palette 3I began a new blog today about my stay in the maternity ward, the noisy crowd constantly visiting the woman in the bed next to mine, and how it drove me to distraction. But separating my assorted bouquets into vases containing just one color each, helped soothe my frayed nerves and body. Yes. When things became too much to handle, I rearranged the flowers according to color.

I actually live near a hospital now, with the attendant florist nearby, and still turn away from the assorted bouquets on display, as for some reason they represent chaos, and certainly remind me of the chaos I felt after childbirth.

But today I was thinking about the importance of sorting, and putting things in their right place. Or in the right order. I’m not obsessive about it, but I know how I feel when I lay out my colors in the same order every time, so I never have to think about it. And I know the feeling of going into a painting and not knowing where everything goes, maybe not for a while. And how it helps to know where my colors are, how they’re always in the same place on the palette where I left them. It’s not the same thing as keeping your underwear drawer tidy or your linen cupboard neat. Not the same thing at all. Because different colors represent different energies and different feelings. They represent different vibratory rates.

So the blog I began writing started to turn into something much longer, too long I thought for a blog. And as I had recently joined Wattpad, I thought I might post the piece there. I can add another chapter too, and make it a longer story. This part is really about coming back into alignment with oneself after something as natural, yet traumatic in its own way, as having a baby.

It’s also about learning what soothed me, and gave me a sense of control in a place where I had none. Making art is a way to sort out feelings by expressing what they are. All I could do in the maternity ward was rearrange the flowers, but it seemed that was enough.

You can read the story here: http://www.wattpad.com/66506666

 

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My Paranormal

space starsOkay, so I had this incredible, out-of-this-world, mind-blowing experience that among other things told me I had to be a writer, and some years later when I finally had the courage to write about this earth-shattering experience (it only took me thirteen years), my advisor at grad school asked me if I had been psychotic!

What a come-down. Then I remembered how at the time, my neighbor from downstairs had asked me if I was on meds, meaning was I under the care of the psychiatric profession, the insinuation being that if not, then I should be. No! I said, wondering why she would think so. In actual fact, what I had gone through had been amazingly spiritual. And as such, had left me with the sense of having advanced in terms of consciousness, not retreated into some kind of la-la land. My head had never been more clear, my self-awareness and awareness of others never more great. But what I learned from the lesson at grad school was that I needed to improve my writing skills so that I would come across as completely sane.

Well, now I have improved my writing skills, I know that to many people I will still come across as having been off the wall. But at least with a full-length memoir instead of an isolated chapter handed in, there will be a lead up to the events. A cognizant account written by a grounded person with a back story. It will be this foundation of a back story that will give the account its validity.

The events of which I speak occurred back in the late 1980s when the general public was still marveling over the phenomenon of answering machines, VCR players and cable television. There were no chat rooms or message boards in which to find kindred spirits and share stories, let alone Blog Talk Radio where anytime, anywhere, you could jump into a conversation or listen to a topic being discussed that hit upon your mishegoss exactly. (Mishegoss—Yiddish for crazy or senseless activity or behavior; craziness.)

So far this lead-in/backstory is over three-hundred and fifty pages with still a ways to go before I get to the summer of 1987. And this is already Volume Two of my memoir, The Nancy Who Drew. But now there will be a rationale behind the events. The tale of a journey that led up to a certain time and place where a paranormal event would be the inevitable outcome. And now, instead of trepidation, I feel excited to share my story. And it’s not just because I no longer feel I’m the only one or part of a small minority. It’s because for the past year I have been listening to a show on Blog Talk Radio called Paranormal Matters.

PleiadesThe program is broadcast from Yorkshire, England, by members of a group called Rainbow Light Foundation. I’ve really come to appreciate that last word, Foundation. With Rainbow Light it means a ‘non-profit’, non-denominational organization, “dedicated to promoting greater understanding of the soul sciences; the links between body, mind and consciousness.” The other meaning for a foundation is, “an underlying basis or principle for something.”

It’s that underlying basis or foundation that is so important for the reader to have in order to find one’s story believable, no matter what the subject matter, but especially when delving into the unknown, borderline areas of perception. And especially now, when the walls between worlds are thinning. 

Listening regularly to the stories on Paranormal Matters (@Paranorm_Radio) has had a cumulative effect on me. Paranormal experiences are those “outside the range of normal experience or scientific explanation,” or outside “science’s current ability to explain or measure.” And this is exactly how the radio show defines itself, as Freeing the mind from the prison of human perception. I represent a case (which I’m sure is not uncommon) of a person whose mind has been freed, but has lacked a solid basis (foundation) on which to draw from. And without that, my poor little freed mind had a tendency at times to spin off into its own realm.

But there’s listening and there’s writing, and then there’s this thing called doing. Last spring I took the Foundation Level course at The Academy of Spiritual Sciences in their Quantum Light Programme, and earned a practitioner’s certificate in energy alignment. While it answered a lot of questions for me, it also created a whole lot more.

That, however, is by-the-by. The main reason I wanted to write this blog is because word has gotten out that we are multi-dimensional beings living in a world of vibrations. And alongside all the nastiness and the suffering, another world is opening up to us. We’ve known for a long time that the transition was going to be bumpy. And the importance of hanging out with those who uplift and add to our understanding. We are brave souls. And I for one, feel more brave the more I trust what I know and trust what I feel.

Brooklyn RainbowA trust that has grown and developed as I’ve listened to Paranormal Matters Radio. Which is why I’m the Admin for the Rainbow Light Forum, where you will find I am called Brooklyn Rainbow. Feel free to check it out and ask your questions.    

 

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The Dancer and the Dance

I am a medical student, dissecting the body of the past. I cut, not into the flesh and bone of 3D life, but into the subtle body, the energetic psychic body swollen with memories. I watch it bleed. Then I prick it some more. Till all the anger and shame, the bitterness, runs out. And what remains is the dancer, and the dance.

It’s why I love writing memoir. Most people wouldn’t want to keep rehashing difficult or painful episodes from the past. But with each successive draft I am bringing in more light. Transforming the experience into something grand. Without changing a single fact.

Transformance by Nancy Wait (oil on canvas) 1980s http://fineartamerica.com/featured/transformance-nancy-wait.html

Transformance by Nancy Wait (oil on canvas) 1980s
http://fineartamerica.com/featured/transformance-nancy-wait.html

(Prints/cards available at Fine Art America)
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Wounds of the Soul

Painting by Nancy Wait, early 1980s

Painting by Nancy Wait, early 1980s

Wounds of the Soul – the Body Remembers, is the title of a show on Blog Talk Radio by Paranormal Matters. LINK.  It aired live on July 14th but I wasn’t able to listen then because I was talking about the X in Extra-Sensory on another show, The Healing Fountain. The X has to do with feeling on an energetic level. The sort that gets blocked when we experience the kind of wounding that leaves us feeling powerless and betrayed. Our self-worth plummets. Even if we change our location, our circumstances, we suffer the kind of post-traumatic stress that destroys future relationships and often leads to addictions and self-destructive behaviors.

What I didn’t understand until recently, when I began listening to Paranormal Matters with hosts Jennifer Warters and Carol Lamb of Rainbow Light Foundation, and then when I took the Foundation Course in Quantum Light Healing, was how what is known as the subtle energy body, was affected, causing imbalance and illness in the physical body. Because of what they refer to as an “energetic imprint” in the electromagnetic field, which underlies the conditions.

Thinking in terms of an “energy field,” one that I live in and am constantly projecting, it is no wonder how often in my early adulthood I was attracted to similar types of the treatment I had been forcibly subjected to in my youth.

Studying art in my late twenties put me on the path to healing, because it was only then that I began to differentiate between an inner and an outer life, and to see that I could access this inner life through pictures. On the radio show Carol spoke of how the closing off of the throat due to shame and fear is usually one of the immediate results from childhood abuse. With talking therapies I had either run amok or bowed out early on, and had lost all belief in its effectiveness.

Girl with Fish Bowl, by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

Girl with Fish Bowl, by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

The breakthrough of my “pictorial” voice came when at last I gathered up the courage to paint from my imagination. I told myself it didn’t have to be brilliant as long as it was real and the feeling behind it was a true one. What emerged then was a series of pictures representing my disassociation from myself. Which was exactly what Carol Lamb described on her show, the disconnection between mind and body, body and emotions, resulting from trauma to the soul. One of my first pictures shows a young girl and a fish bowl filled with colorful fish swimming around (seemingly happily) while she looks on in despair. I knew somehow that I was “outside” of where I wanted to be.

"Mask" by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

“Mask” by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

I also knew that I was hiding behind a mask, not necessarily pretending to be someone I was not, but not being entirely true to who I was, either. My throat was still blocked. Masks serve a purpose, and this one seems more like a lighted torch, perhaps lighting the way. (A mask of the Soul?) It was an enormous benefit not only to put these feelings “out there,” thus giving them validation, but to realize I was creating a visual narrative of the journey I had embarked upon. Putting myself inside a story was another point of validation.

"Sinking" by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

“Sinking” by Nancy Wait; oil on canvas (1982)

The next painting, or should I say the next step, was to sink beneath the waves, or perhaps tune into those particular “frequency” waves of the “see” of the subconscious. Lower myself into the depths, in order to recover the lost self. The disconnected self. The body I had fled from so as not to feel it, even though that body was my own. My underwater journey which lasted five years and produced scores of paintings, came to an end when at last I came upon the jewel I hadn’t consciously known I was seeking. The child-self I had left behind, pretending she was drowned at the bottom of a pool. (For more on that please see last week’s post: Seeing Myself As A Soul)

The body remembers. No matter how much we would prefer not to. I highly recommend the programs on Paranormal Matters. I administer the Rainbow Light Forum, which as well as listing the shows, is a place where you can ask your questions and make comments.

Looking back on my visual outpourings, I think my greatest achievement was finding beauty in the ugliness. An expression of beauty even in the despair. It matters. And so does practicing the Emerald Alignment, the meditation presented at the end of each show.

 

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Seeing Myself As A Soul

Girl Under Water (edited) oil on canvas by Nancy Wait 1987

Girl Under Water (edited) oil on canvas by Nancy Wait 1987

My story? It’s sad! There were some wins, but the losses outweighed them. Until the end. Except this is only the first book. The second book is about resolving it all. It’s the part where I become a painter and create Girl Under Water. This was the painting that eventually solved the mystery.
The mystery was, why did it have to happen the way that it did?

Just like in most mysteries, there was a crime.
It happened during a time of mass killings, the worst in the history of mankind. World War II. The particular person I am concerned with was just one of millions who were slaughtered, but it doesn’t make it any less sad or tragic, being one among so many.
My book is about solving a mystery. The mystery here is not about who did it. We know who did it. The girl killed during World War II, and the betrayal I went through when I was in my teens. Who did these things was never in doubt. The mystery is not about catching anyone either. No one is going to get caught. The mystery, my mystery, is why. Why did it have to happen?

I’ve heard some New Age people say don’t look for reasons. You’ll get all caught up in your head. Eventually, I solved the mystery with my heart. I found resolution through forgiveness and understanding.

The Nancy Who DrewYet forgiveness is not the end of the story. Because if you believe that you “create your own reality,” why would you create a situation that would cause you harm? That would leave you damaged? Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing to forgive, after all. I had to come into full Soul Consciousness, seeing myself as a Soul. A soul that might choose a certain scenario in order to progress and learn—and eventually share what she had learned.

What I learned was why I chose, as a Soul, the circumstances of my life. And what I want to share is that there is a reason for everything. All we have to do is find it. Or create it. In Book One, “The Memoir That Solved A Mystery,” I lay out the mystery. Now, in Book Two, currently in progress, I’m describing how I got beyond myself. How I let go, and how I let go through Art. Through painting. Expressing feelings I could not express any other way. If the first book was sad, I hope the second will be inspiring.

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The X in Extra-Sensory

Healing FountainOn Monday, July 14,2014 I will be a guest on The GR Healing Fountain, airing live at 5pm EDT; 10pm BST.  LINK  I hope you will join me!

My theme is The X in Extra-Sensory. It’s not easy to define. Like the X-Files, or the X-Factor, the X in Extra-Sensory stands-in for what can’t be quantified or explained. But we can feel it. That’s the key. Because Everything emits a feeling. And maybe first we have to become aware of ourselves as feeling bodies before we can allow ourselves to feel the energies of the life around us. Ourselves as feeling bodies, like the Jennifer Beals’ character in the movie Flashdance where she says:

You walk out there, and the music starts, and you feel it. Your body just moves. There’sflashdance something inside of you that just clicks and you’re gone. It’s like you’re somebody else for a while.

On the radio show I’m using songs and a video from Flashdance to illustrate feeling through dance. It’s much easier to watch a dancer feel the music than it is to watch a painter feel the colors and texture of the paint. You might look at their art work and not see what they are on about or what they were feeling or what they want you to feel.

frequenciesWith music it is easier. Sound is vibration. Vibration is a Frequency. Jennifer Beals’ character tunes into a Frequency. She gives herself totally to the frequency. She feels it through her body, through her toes. She allows it to take her over. She surrenders to it. She surrenders her mind and goes with the feeling. She lets go of her ego. She allows her body, her instincts, to guide her.

My field is visual art. I have been writing and speaking for years about the art process, especially in terms of higher consciousness, as the practice of art does nothing if not increase self-knowledge and self-awareness. It’s important, especially now, as our culture becomes more visual. The power of visualization is a crucial factor in our increasing realization that all is perception.

I used to have a website and a radio show called Art and Ascension. That concept wasn’t easy to define either. But art takes us to another plane both as creators and observers. Whatever the discipline, art involves body, mind, heart and soul.

The “X” in Extra-Sensory is what it takes to feel the expression of energy. To feel energy being expressed. This happens through the arts. Any of the arts. All of the arts. To create art is to transmute denser matter, lower thought-forms, onto the higher planes of love/wisdom, compassion and understanding. (I know that’s a mouthful, but I had to put it out there. I promise I will go into more detail another time!)

oil by Nancy Wait (edited)

oil by Nancy Wait (edited)

Meanwhile, what might be simpler to absorb is how imagination leads us into the higher dimensions. Places we experience mentally that are less dense. Fields of awareness that are lighter, where we access the intuitive plane. Think of it this way: works of art “step down” higher states of awareness onto the physical plane.

Art might be considered the portal into the world of Meaning and Significance.

Whether you are painting reality or dreams, visions or emotional states, you are creating a different reality. One that’s about seeing, and the power of seeing. And maybe even figuring out exactly what we do see.

I believe that art can take us to places in the psyche that are inaccessible any other way. I believe we grow and expand in consciousness when we can express our deepest selves through art. For it is there we dispel the shadows and bring through the light of understanding to those hidden areas.

I am currently writing a memoir about my life as an artist in the 1980s. It is the story of a woman’s life in and through art – which I think is important to hear as women artists tend to be overlooked. The book is actually Volume Two, a follow-up to my first book, The Nancy Who Drew; The Memoir That Solved A Mystery. I change the title of my second book on a regular basis, but maybe the most recent title will stick. Maybe this is the one that gets to the real heart of the matter.

My Journey To The Sacred Heart.

Because I do describe a journey, and it’s a journey through painting. And in the end what it led me to see was,

Betrayal is sacred when the heart can encompass the whole.

I call it the memoir that solved a mystery because through the writing (another art form) I discovered, had a realization and came to terms with, the fact that I remembered a previous life. The facts of my life this time around have done nothing if not assist me with this recall. The message is simple and hardly new—yet bears repeating. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s up to us to figure out why we drew it to us.

Meanwhile, I hope you’ll tune into the Healing Fountain show on Monday, July 14th — or catch it in the archives. I’ll leave you with a few lines from the song in Flashdance called, She’s a Maniac.

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart / Changing moment into light / She has danced into the danger zone / When the dancer becomes the dance

 

 

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A Melody In Everything

 

Photo by Nancy Wait; Park Slope, June 2014

Photo by Nancy Wait; Park Slope, June 2014

There’s a melody in everything.
And once you find the melody,
then you connect immediately with the heart.
Because sometimes English or Spanish,
Swahili or any language gets in the way.
But nothing penetrates the heart faster than the melody.
Carlos Santana

I was thrilled to come across this quote in my facebook stream this morning. It’s exactly what I’ve been going on about lately!

What you see in the photo above is typical in my neighborhood of Park Slope, Brooklyn. These lovely wrought iron railings with flora and fauna poking through the bars. It was back in 2007 that I began hearing a song, hearing a duet in the vision, and then painting a series of little watercolors I called The Song of the Iron Railings and Flowers. I posted them a few weeks ago here. I tried writing about them back in ’07, and showed them around a few places, but found no interest in them. I knew what I was seeing and feeling, but maybe I hadn’t the ability to express it. Maybe it wasn’t the right time.

Photo by Nancy Wait, June '14 Park Slope

Photo by Nancy Wait, June ’14 Park Slope

Here’s another shot taken on my walk home recently. I wasn’t looking for anything, but once I came upon it I had to capture it — this example of living poetry. This beautiful melody between the fence and the flowers. The fence has its own rhythm. It sings its own song all year long. But the flowers have only sprung with the spring. See how they jump for joy behind the railing? And the pointed tops of the railing — don’t they look like mouths open in song? Or perhaps single petals, carved in iron.  They are the chorus, while the circles all in a row below and between them, thrum a beat. The circles are kept in line by the bars, which hum their own rhythm, keeping the beat, in line and in time.

But before I heard the music I saw the rhythm. Here, in this watercolor from 1994, a few

watercolor by Nancy Wait (1994)

watercolor by Nancy Wait (1994)

years after I moved to Park Slope. I saw the swirling lines of Nature reflected in the stone carvings. I saw an iron circle like a porthole. And through the round window like a magnifying glass, I saw the delicate bare branches of a bush, reaching up to the willowy lines of stone. And I thought to myself, where on earth have I landed, that there could be such harmony and poetry — and beauty! on view — for any passerby to notice.

Form follows thought, and thought is consciousness. Every form expresses a consciousness. If we could look at everything (including one another) as an expression of consciousness (at any given moment) — while removing any and all judgments — what we would see is energy. It might be positive, it might be negative, but the energy will always be in movement whether we see it or not. And it will have a harmonic, whether we hear it or not.

I realize I haven’t mentioned that most important quality in Santana’s quote at the beginning of this blog:

once you find the melody,
then you connect immediately with the heart.

Connecting with the heart. Well, first there is connecting to the melody. Next comes the heart, a topic I am working on for July 14th, when I will be a guest on the Healing Fountain. More on that to follow!

And last but not least, from today through July 10th, the Kindle version (also available on the free app) of my memoir, The Nancy Who Drew: The Memoir That Solved A Mystery, is only $1.99. Get it HERE. (Soon I hope to publish Vol. 2 of the memoir.)

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