Interesting to go back and read my diary from all those years ago.
Excerpts from “Diary of a Painter” (1984)
“I see this woman, Nancy, who is passionately devoted to her work, her work of creating paintings from her heart, her sensibilities, making order out of chaos. Putting form to substance and giving substance to form. Her work is emotional, honest and filled with love and awe and wonder at the universe.”
“Don’t speak it, paint it. Draw it. Let your hand and eye be your mouthpiece. See how the disorganization of your mind shows up in every line you draw.”
“I wish I wasn’t so overcome by emotions. So many things are happening to me, in me. I can’t write about it. It’s too strong. I can’t paint it—yet. I am too overwhelmed.”
“I haven’t been painting because I didn’t know what to paint—or how. So I waited. I waited for it to come. A year I waited. And it came. Last night. The pain became too strong again. Only this time I wanted to transcend the pain of loss—of loneliness, of knowing. Transcend the particular and become one with creation—the ALL. Life in all its colors. When my love is thwarted, I have no choice but to go the canvas and express even more love. I still have the feelings, the pain, yet it is soothed when I gently stroke the canvas and softly blend my colors.”
“Pulsing throbbing breath of life, inhale the whole and disappear in the cracks between the seconds.”
In the 1980s I wrote voluminous notes and journals about my life as a painter and all the various complicated romantic situations I was involved in that caused havoc emotionally yet fed my work. I am now mining this trove for my next memoir which is about battling the Dweller on the Threshold. I did a month long series on the Dweller earlier this year on blog talk radio – my show Art and Ascension.
More about the Dweller later. But in a nutshell, it can be described as the ‘shadow.’ The battle can be described as that between the lower self and the higher self, the Personality and the Soul. For me in this period, art and painting was the way I dealt with my demons, looked at my shadow, and explored the unknown, making it known.
I love your writing, Nancy. You really go underneath the yearlings of an artist– beautiful!
Thank you so much Cindy ~ kind of you to say so!
Two days ago a dear friend of mine left her body. Looking at her pictures and her beautiful smile helped me to remember once again, how precious is this time we have to express our unique understanding and specially our love. To my heart you are a gift of heaven. Thank you.
Hugs shinny one.
Blessings to you, dear ysaimara, always a deep pleasure to hear from you! You radiate love and kindness ~~
Thank you for sharing Nancy, personal, deeply felt and moving. I like the phrase “Dweller on the Threshold” For we are perhaps crossing one threshold after another in life. Knowingly or not.
I couldn’t agree with you more Musa, about the thresholds and coming up to them, to cross over or to wait until we are ready. Other worlds, other fields of perception, continually await….
Thank you Nancy. I wonder if you had chance to read my late father’s reflection:
“The Limit is The Threshold” http://wp.me/p1iqdI-3j
All Good Wishes to you,
Loved your words and how you express yourself! I could almost hear you speaking them out loud! Very well done Nancy!
Thank you so much Iris!
There speaks a true GENIUS!
Ha! Those were the few choice bits among reams of confusion (which of course were necessary to write as well, though not necessarily to repeat!)
Anyway, thank you, dear Jeanne ~