Interesting to go back and read my diary from all those years ago.
Excerpts from “Diary of a Painter” (1984)
“I see this woman, Nancy, who is passionately devoted to her work, her work of creating paintings from her heart, her sensibilities, making order out of chaos. Putting form to substance and giving substance to form. Her work is emotional, honest and filled with love and awe and wonder at the universe.”
“Don’t speak it, paint it. Draw it. Let your hand and eye be your mouthpiece. See how the disorganization of your mind shows up in every line you draw.”
“I wish I wasn’t so overcome by emotions. So many things are happening to me, in me. I can’t write about it. It’s too strong. I can’t paint it—yet. I am too overwhelmed.”
“I haven’t been painting because I didn’t know what to paint—or how. So I waited. I waited for it to come. A year I waited. And it came. Last night. The pain became too strong again. Only this time I wanted to transcend the pain of loss—of loneliness, of knowing. Transcend the particular and become one with creation—the ALL. Life in all its colors. When my love is thwarted, I have no choice but to go the canvas and express even more love. I still have the feelings, the pain, yet it is soothed when I gently stroke the canvas and softly blend my colors.”
“Pulsing throbbing breath of life, inhale the whole and disappear in the cracks between the seconds.”
In the 1980s I wrote voluminous notes and journals about my life as a painter and all the various complicated romantic situations I was involved in that caused havoc emotionally yet fed my work. I am now mining this trove for my next memoir which is about battling the Dweller on the Threshold. I did a month long series on the Dweller earlier this year on blog talk radio – my show Art and Ascension.
More about the Dweller later. But in a nutshell, it can be described as the ‘shadow.’ The battle can be described as that between the lower self and the higher self, the Personality and the Soul. For me in this period, art and painting was the way I dealt with my demons, looked at my shadow, and explored the unknown, making it known.